Heartbroken Notes: Day 10

Day # 10 (April 20, 2011)

So I went to a spiritual retreat three days ago (Um, yes I really did.) and freely shared my problems like I was a legit rehab patient during a big group session. "Hi. My name is Elly, and I'm a bitch." (Okay, so I didn't really say those exact words -- but the people know I'm in pain for my own act.)

Surprisingly, I bagged home a big pile of Godly enlightenment after much meditation, praying, and prancing around the lush flowery blanket of nature which was now slowly vanishing with the strong appetite of dry autumn leaves.

I also watched the first part of Eat, Pray and Love like a bonafide heartbroken chick in search for 'meaning' and realized that I am the permeable membrane being talked about in the film. Which means... I easily lose myself in the person I'm in love with. The passage goes like this:

"To have issues with boundaries, one must have boundaries in the first place, right? But I disappear into the person I love. I am the permeable membrane. If I love you, you can have everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my ass, my money, my family, my dog, my dog's money, my dog's time—everything. If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family….I will give you all of this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else."

 - Page 65, Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert

I've been doing everything I can do learn to walk again on my own...

And I did it! I reconnected with friends, got all the rest I needed, watched all the good movies, sung like a superstar in the shower, and danced in my PJs while ironing my dad's polo shirt. I walked around the city, took pictures of everything beautiful to marvel at, and smelled the flowers.

But you know what?

I'm still praying for a miracle.

I want to stop hurting deep inside. I want to let him go. It's the most difficult thing in the world. Because I still love him very much. Every minute of every day.

And I know somehow deep inside that the miracle I'm truly praying for (besides being happy in myself)... is being with him again...

And being completely happy...